huh.

sigh.

thanks for the whole talk and everything.

it made me feel much better.

thank you. (:

and no la.. its not like its so bad and horrendous (somehow this word reminds me of qila. heh.) that i have to be alone or what. its just that it gets suffocating.

but i`ll try. really.

thing is, i know how you feel.. and i guess i need to learn to think before i speak.

i don`t want anybody to be sad anymore.


pls Daddy, let things improve from here.

Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I`ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

not working.

damn it la.

this is so not working out.

everything seems to have an effect some way or another.

i seem to be doing/saying the wrongs things all the time. i`m sorry kae? i can`t walk on eggshells and be cautious of every little thing i say or do.. i just blurt stuff out! i`m sorry i`m sorry i`m sorry.

this so isn`t working la seriously.

if i had a choice, i would like to take a break from all this. be isolated for awhile. let things pass before i venture out again. i`m sure it won`t be that bad. if i can just lock myself up in my room and not go out for weeks, good. but even with school, it`ll be okay.

go to class, got leo as a companion. (unless i happen to make him mad at me too.) lunch break, got the library and the calming presence of books. end school, got the long journey home to sit and think. not bad huh?

not being emo or what la.. but its seems like me being around just makes things so much worse. not just for one person i care for, but for someone else i care for even more. so much more.

i just feel so stretched. so strained. and i just snapped. i`m sorry. really. you did not deserve that scathing remark. it was uncalled for. i`m sorry.

i`ve been saying sorry alot these days huh? goes to show how often i mess things up.

the whole situation`s just deteriorating. just sliding down and down. from bad to worse.

and its all my fault.

damn it la ding. what the fuck is wrong with you?!!! can`t you do anything right?! do you seriously HAVE to ruin everything? fuck you la selfish insensitive bitch! learn to care a little can?! can`t you even spare a thought for others? it just has to be about you, you, you aint it? fuck. i`m starting to hate myself so damn much. i disgust myself. ugh.

sorry.
sorry.
sorry.
sorry.
sorry.
sorry.
sorry.

argh.

not worthy.

Daddy, take my hand. pls, Daddy. pls.

my fault?

hmm.

i was really wishing and hoping that everything would be okay.. but i guess that was being pretty unrealistic.

i guess its not possible for things to just fall back to what it was before. i guess i wasn`t being sensitive enough to figure out that its not gonna be easy to just leave it just like that.

if there`s anything i can do to make it easier, i`d do it.. really.

but i have a feeling that there`s nothing i can do to make it any easier, any better. i think i`ll only be making things worse.

truly, i do not want things this way.

now that everything`s shit, i don`t know if its cos of me or cos if something else. and even if its my fault, i don`t know what i should/can do.

damn, this is hard.

little wonder then, that i kow for a fact that i`m not ready. i just cannot deal with such stuff. maybe i`ll never be able to deal with such matters concerning the heart. bah. a failure, ding.

i`m sorry.

so not perfect.

all out in the open.

of fishes and hurricanes.

its the way it is now. there`s no way to take the words back.

you say that this is the best route to go. i sure hope so.

its selfish of me. ):

but i can`t change it.

i would if i could. really. but some things just can`t be changed.

i don`t want you sad. you deserve better, seriously.

maybe this really is better. better than dragging it along. maybe this way you`ll get over it sooner. maybe it`d hurt less.

i want you happy too.

):

not all that wonderful.

petty bitch

i know that i`m being a bitch.
i know that i have to right to act the way i did.
i know that i was being overly sensitive.
i know that i was super unreasonable.
i know that it was VERY selfish of me.
i know that it wasn`t meant to be taken to heart.
i know that i made a huge big fuss out of nothing.
i know that i`m being a big spoilt brat.
i know that i`m not practicing what i preach.
i know that i`m being unfair.
i know that.

but i`m sorry.
i knew all that but i still acted the same way.

maybe i`m not who you thought i am.
maybe i`m not who i think i am.

maybe i really am such a bitch.
maybe that`s how i really am.
maybe i`m really so horrible.

i don`t know myself anymore.

i`m sorry.

miserable excuse for a friend. bah.

its not your fault. its mine.

you all don`t deserve to be treated like that. i don`t know why i got so affected. i`ve got no excuse. i`m truly sorry.

):