huh.

sigh.

thanks for the whole talk and everything.

it made me feel much better.

thank you. (:

and no la.. its not like its so bad and horrendous (somehow this word reminds me of qila. heh.) that i have to be alone or what. its just that it gets suffocating.

but i`ll try. really.

thing is, i know how you feel.. and i guess i need to learn to think before i speak.

i don`t want anybody to be sad anymore.


pls Daddy, let things improve from here.

Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I`ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

not working.

damn it la.

this is so not working out.

everything seems to have an effect some way or another.

i seem to be doing/saying the wrongs things all the time. i`m sorry kae? i can`t walk on eggshells and be cautious of every little thing i say or do.. i just blurt stuff out! i`m sorry i`m sorry i`m sorry.

this so isn`t working la seriously.

if i had a choice, i would like to take a break from all this. be isolated for awhile. let things pass before i venture out again. i`m sure it won`t be that bad. if i can just lock myself up in my room and not go out for weeks, good. but even with school, it`ll be okay.

go to class, got leo as a companion. (unless i happen to make him mad at me too.) lunch break, got the library and the calming presence of books. end school, got the long journey home to sit and think. not bad huh?

not being emo or what la.. but its seems like me being around just makes things so much worse. not just for one person i care for, but for someone else i care for even more. so much more.

i just feel so stretched. so strained. and i just snapped. i`m sorry. really. you did not deserve that scathing remark. it was uncalled for. i`m sorry.

i`ve been saying sorry alot these days huh? goes to show how often i mess things up.

the whole situation`s just deteriorating. just sliding down and down. from bad to worse.

and its all my fault.

damn it la ding. what the fuck is wrong with you?!!! can`t you do anything right?! do you seriously HAVE to ruin everything? fuck you la selfish insensitive bitch! learn to care a little can?! can`t you even spare a thought for others? it just has to be about you, you, you aint it? fuck. i`m starting to hate myself so damn much. i disgust myself. ugh.

sorry.
sorry.
sorry.
sorry.
sorry.
sorry.
sorry.

argh.

not worthy.

Daddy, take my hand. pls, Daddy. pls.

my fault?

hmm.

i was really wishing and hoping that everything would be okay.. but i guess that was being pretty unrealistic.

i guess its not possible for things to just fall back to what it was before. i guess i wasn`t being sensitive enough to figure out that its not gonna be easy to just leave it just like that.

if there`s anything i can do to make it easier, i`d do it.. really.

but i have a feeling that there`s nothing i can do to make it any easier, any better. i think i`ll only be making things worse.

truly, i do not want things this way.

now that everything`s shit, i don`t know if its cos of me or cos if something else. and even if its my fault, i don`t know what i should/can do.

damn, this is hard.

little wonder then, that i kow for a fact that i`m not ready. i just cannot deal with such stuff. maybe i`ll never be able to deal with such matters concerning the heart. bah. a failure, ding.

i`m sorry.

so not perfect.

all out in the open.

of fishes and hurricanes.

its the way it is now. there`s no way to take the words back.

you say that this is the best route to go. i sure hope so.

its selfish of me. ):

but i can`t change it.

i would if i could. really. but some things just can`t be changed.

i don`t want you sad. you deserve better, seriously.

maybe this really is better. better than dragging it along. maybe this way you`ll get over it sooner. maybe it`d hurt less.

i want you happy too.

):

not all that wonderful.

petty bitch

i know that i`m being a bitch.
i know that i have to right to act the way i did.
i know that i was being overly sensitive.
i know that i was super unreasonable.
i know that it was VERY selfish of me.
i know that it wasn`t meant to be taken to heart.
i know that i made a huge big fuss out of nothing.
i know that i`m being a big spoilt brat.
i know that i`m not practicing what i preach.
i know that i`m being unfair.
i know that.

but i`m sorry.
i knew all that but i still acted the same way.

maybe i`m not who you thought i am.
maybe i`m not who i think i am.

maybe i really am such a bitch.
maybe that`s how i really am.
maybe i`m really so horrible.

i don`t know myself anymore.

i`m sorry.

miserable excuse for a friend. bah.

its not your fault. its mine.

you all don`t deserve to be treated like that. i don`t know why i got so affected. i`ve got no excuse. i`m truly sorry.

):

bah contract.

DAMN.

contract is seriously killing me.

that de francesco case is damn hard to read pls..

1890. wow. brilliant.

do they HAVE to be so long winded?

i get lost just reading one paragraph.. =/ their sentences are super long. bah.

and my idiotic com is so smart. died on me and threw away everything i wrote. bah.

redo.

grrr.

oops.

HAHA!

sorry la inez siantar...

i was blogging at an ungodly hour hence the mistakes.

i sincerely apologise for my misconduct.

heh.

and i have changed the errors alr la.. (:

damn. school`s going to start in like, 3 days. wow. brilliant. and i haven`t completed my contract part. bah.

ding, you`re too damn slack. )):

i`m gonna stay up today to finish it. not gonna sleep till its done. *determined*

and nez.. my blog really slow to load meh? =/ its okay with me lehh.. hmm..

malaysia and stayovers.

for the weekend, i stayed over at 2 different places and went to jb. (:

on saturday i had to work (bah.) at suntec till about evening time and was to head over to inez`s place after that.. inez, shep and winsor came down to visit and off we went for dinner and back to my place to get my stuff.

i sell flora and fruit tea not those kopi-o type okay? not funny. buggersome people. heh. and ya. i don`t really know how to use chopsticks. its embarrassing. ):

went over to inez`s place with leo, qila, shep and wan, and went to the nearby coffeshop to watch the matches. i still want czech to win. bah. ): but oh wells.. ghana is quite good la. i wouldn`t mind if they went on to the next round instead of czech.. i think. or maybe czech will win italy and then both ghana and czech will qualify. hahaha! (: but i don`t think can laaa..

and the second match was damn drama.. with 3 sent offs and a bleeding american.. whoa. and france is damn lousy la.. irritating match. ): france was supposed to trash usa. TRASH. bah.

oh btw, i think the prata there was damn yummy. (: especially the cheese one. ((:

next day, woke up at 2.. haha. the guys went to play soccer over at st pats. so we girls had a girls talk. (: and we talked for too long. was supposed to go over to st pats and catch the last 20 mins of the game but we were too late! ): we rushed and took a cab down lorr.. bah. and that taxi man.. i tell you, he is damn irritating. talk super alot la! bah.

justshutupanddrivepls,thankyouverymuch.

anyways, we endured the ride and went to meet the boys and off we went to pizza hut. (: yummy. i like pepperroni lehh.. i don`t see what leo was talking about it being plastic-y. wasn`t in a really good mood though. my darn contact lenses were bothering me like hell. grr.

we went back to inez`s place to get our stuff and then went over to shep`s. the brazil match was exciting. so much so that i banged my foot against the cupboard. ):

and oh my hat. i love the beef horfun la!! the soupy thing is like, so marvellousy superbly delicious. :D

umm. sorry for spilling some on your bed shep. ): you`re scary when you`re angry. ):

when it was time to sleep, we had some dificulty. fitting 6 people into the bed was quite tough indeed. but we managed. (: almost.

i woke up the earliest again (teehee.) because i got elbowed in the head by leo.

*sad* ):

wanted to go back to sleep actually. but it was damn hard to sleep when i had to dodge leo`s twists and turns. that boy is a hazard i tell you. damn scary. everyone soon woke up. poor qila didn`t sleep much i think.. =/

and off it was to malaysia. without inez though. ))))))):

shep`s house is damn pretty la! the furnishings and the driveway thing. all very nice! me and qila have decided that when we stay together next time, we want our house to look like that. (: with its wooden furnitures, comfy sofas, chairs and beds, and beautiful wardrobes. (:

we went for a walk at the garden/park thingy. fun! ((: it had a giant chess set and giant leaves. (: don`t know what leaves, but they grew out of the pond i think. qila says they`re scary. haha! (:

after we went back to the house, me and qila went to sleep and the boys went to swim. wah! we slept till 6 la! went of to city square for shopping and dinner.

had kenny rogers. and then realised that it was past 9 alr.. =/ tried to shop before the shops closed but it was too late. ): for us girls at least. the boys bought some stuff, but me and qila got nothing. ): absolutely nothing lehh! )):

nvm. i shall eagerly anticipate for the next jb trip. (: and shall put away the ringgit that i changed alr.. i wanna go jb again. (:

<3 ding. (:

*i want cheese prata and beef horfun now. -smacks lips. heh. *

dvds i want.

i want these please. (:

Amelie
A la folie... pas du tout [He Loves Me... He Loves Me Not]
L'auberge Espagnole [The Spanish Apartment]
Les poupees russes [The Russian Dolls]
Dirty Pretty Things
Les cite des enfants perdus [City of Lost Children]
Delicatessen
Les choristes
Sur mes levres [Read My Lips]

Moulin Rouge
Chicago
Munich
V For Vendetta
Edward Scissorhands
Sleepy Hollow
A Beautiful Mind
Traffic.
Chocolat
The Pianist
The Constant Gardener
American History X
Trainspotting
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I am Sam
Memento
Almost Famous
Fight Club
Dead Poets Society
Monster
The Virgin Suicides
Dancer in the Dark
The Others
Requiem for a Dream
Sympathy for Lady Vengeance
10 things I Hate About You
Hotel Rwanda
A Very Long Engagement

Ocean's 11
Ocean's 12
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

pls pls pls... (:

restart

heh. new blog. (:

i had a great week. (:

with stayovers and soccer matches.

happiness. (:

i spent 2 days at inez`s place. and it was fun. (: like a glimpse into the future when we`ll both stay together, with qila too perhaps. it was cool since we had the whole place to ourselves. (:

spent the first night talking and talking and talking.. ya.. and we had test the next day. heh. slept for about 4 hrs only i think? heh. will be staying over at her place again real soon. (: but i`ll have to remember to bring SHAMPOO. =/

stayed over with leo and qila at shep`s place for the italy match also. and damn. i`m still scared of that dog. =/ brandy. =/ i think a more apt name would be scary. really.. but casey was really cute. (: even though he didn`t like me very much. ):

i fell asleep even before the match ended.. haha.. italy was boring la.. they were just kicking the ball around.. no strategy, no excitement, nothing. boo.

and i woke up the first the next day!! (((:

*proud*

i woke up at 7.20 am lor!! ((:

leo was suposed to wake up at 7 for his match. so after i checked the time, i wanted to wake leo and ask if he was still going for his match. but. he and qila were snuggled up la! =/ how to wake him? after contemplating for like, 5 mins, i woke shep. haha.. and i don`t know how, qila woke up too..

BUT that stupid leo sleeps like a log la!! cannot wake him lehh! seriously. we poke him, shake him, call him.. and all he does is grunt and settle down into a more comfortable position. !! we took at least 10 mins to wake him la! grrr..

and then poor ding had to take the mrt for more than an hour before she reached home and could sleep properly again. eh. i bathed before i slept la..

was supposed to go over to shep`s jb house thingy for 3 days, but nez couldn`t find her passport. bah. so we`ll just be staying at nez`s place and going to jb for 1 day only.. shopping! (:

my mummy hasn`t returned me my money. =/ and my daddy hasn`t given me my pocket money for this week.. bah. i need that money to shop......

can`t wait! excited. (: but too bad nez can`t go la.. =/

nevermind. we`ll be going tanning on tues. (:

i need to get shades before that.

yay!