eee.

hmm.

well, things didn`t really go according to plan huh?

dang.

oh wells.

that`s alright. (: the situations not all that bad.

it`ll just longer than expected. that`s alright. (:

an open mind, dearie. (:

i still think the ending will be the same. heh. (:

oooh!

teehee!

damn exciting me thinks. ((:

a week from now and we shall see.

wheee!

and yeah. i have no idea why i`m so excited also. heh. but yes, happy for a friend! ((:

and darn, i`m being influenced by a mermaid. =/

HAHA!

ps. nez, the starfishies are MINE! :D teehee!

oh shoots.

oh boo.

my insensitivity is really causing alot of trouble. =/

and ya, i`m really sorry. i didn`t think, i didn`t realise. ):

but i really don`t think it should be an issue lorr. cos really, nobody is perfect. and considering that you are doing so well in the area that you have a problem with, doesn`t that show something?

and yes, we love you for who you are. (:

i want.

ahh damn.

i think i`m damn smart ahh. i saw an ant climbing on the cupboard and i wanted to kill it. so i flicked it. but i flicked it against the cupboard. and now, my nail hurts. =/

haha.

anyways, that`s not what i wanted to blog about.

you know when you see something and you`re like "oh my hat! i want that!" and you just die die want it?

like, say its a bag. its not like, super duper gorgeous or nice. its not like very user friendly maybe.. but its just so irresistable.

then you`ll keep thinking about the bag, and how you`ll use it and when you`ll use it. to the beach, to school, shopping... and you`ll imagine yourself with that special bag, how pretty you`ll look and stuff..

then maybe you go into the shop to try the bag, you know? to see how it looks like when you carry it. and you just keep thinking about the bag laa.. really really wanna get it.

but its not like, its THE bag you know? i mean, just cos it look pretty when you carry it, just cos its so irresistable.. doesn`t mean that when you actually go about using the bag, it`ll be what you need.. you know? its just a maybe. not sure.

and then even when you realise that its way expensive. even when you realise that you`re never ever gonna get that bag. you still keep yearning for it..

you know what i mean?

yeah. that`s what i feel now.

oh bah. darn it.

/edit
and oh. even if you go to the shop again, and you see that the bag is no longer there, (read: its been sold) you still keep thinking about it and how nice it would be if you were the one who bought it. ):

boo.

on a side note, i have a really wonderful time playing monopoly with my brothers. (: i was winning the first half of the game lorr. (: but then i lost in the end. haha. and no, i didn`t lose as badly as i did in cluedo. don`t laugh! we all had roughly the same amount of money in the end laa.. about $4000+. teehee. (:

nothing.

huh.

!#$%^&*^&*()_ fuck it.

everything is slipping. just slipping through my fingers.
i try to grasp and hold on. but i can`t.
like trying to retain water with my bare hand.

the more i try to keep it,
the more i fumble, the more errors i make.
and the water i hold in my hand, it gets spilt again.

but the water drips away anyway,
no matter how hard i try my darnest, to keep whatever little is left.
maybe that`s the way, the way things should be,
for the water to go somewhere else.

i don`t want to stop trying, don`t want to give up,
but maybe its a lost cause.
i should have known from the start.
i should have seen it coming,
this is something that i should have expected.

its not like its never happened before.
i just cannot match up.
this blame is mine, again.

ding.

i wonder, what makes me think i`m worthy? what makes me think that i deserve what i wish for, what i want. no need for dreams now, when you know it won`t ever happen. look at you ding, compared to anyone, do you think you`ll match up? compared to that, how can you ever be anyone`s choice? gosh. how dumb can you get? how many times must you go through this for you to understand? you`re worthless ding! worthless! oh daddy, i need you now.

oh. okay.

hmm.

change is good right?

i`ll adapt. its okay.

---

i`m missing the people who have always been there for me. for like, the longest time.

i miss you sam. i miss you bok. i miss you jul. i miss you hui. i miss you sasa. the friendship we have will never change. no matter how long we haven`t seen each other, i know that our bond is solid. (: i thank God for you. i love you. (:


and yupps, thanks hons, for being there so i`m not alone. (:
loves. (:

oh gosh.

oh my hat.

okays, my brother just came home like, an hour ago. tsk tsk. young people nowadays.

anyways, he was telling me what happened in sch. not that it was the reason why he came home late laa..

okays.

he was playing soccer in the school hall i think, and there were alot of other people still around la.. cos you know, students nowadays.. all don`t wanna go home early.. wanna make their family worry..

so ya.. they were playing soccer laa. then you know, the metal goal post thingy? the one that can move about one? not the small one lehh.. the one taller than you both in height and width? the quite big one laa..

anyways, i think they finished playing alr laa. then this guy (not my brother's friend, but soccer mate laa) he was like hanging on to the goal post.. not like, swinging his legs all laa.. but he was hanging onto it and his feet were on the ground kinda thing?

yeah well, his friend went to pull his legs from under him.

BAM!

the goal post came toppling down. onto the guy's finger.

and i guess it was reflex or something, but yeah, he snatched his hand away. and uhmm, ya. part of his finger got ripped off. =/

you know, your finger has like three parts right? ya well, his whole top part, the one with the nail, it came off. it was stuck under the goal post bar.

and when everybody heard the loud bang, they just thought that he hit his head or something. when they saw all the blood on the floor and the jagged stump of his finger, they were just stunned, shocked, speechless.

but ya, they called the ambulance, then they went to get a teacher and they brought him to the sick bay. the st. john's people were called down too.

gosh. damn scary i think. if i`m one of the st john's people, i wouldn`t know what to do k?! =/ like, its a bleeding stump! but ya, good thing they`re not like me.. cos they managed to bandage it i think.

when the ambulance came, the guy walked to it himself and he wasn`t dripping blood.

and the guy who pulled him? my brother said he was pale as a ghost. he helped the guy to the sick bay and when he came out, he just kinda slumped to the floor, his face a chalky white. damn poor thing. in his mind he must be going through hell.

and the injured guy? he`s sec 4 this year. o level year.

he was sent to nuh. i`m really praying that they manage to fix his finger.

dear God.

pineapples and bangkok.

!!

i just saw a whole tupperware of cut pineapples in the fridge!

and i suddenly remember how much i like pineapples and then i wonder how come i haven`t been eating pineapples in such a long time and then i wonder why the heck i`m not eating the pineapples right now and okay i`m gonna get the pineapples now.

oh goodness! yummy!! ((((:

its the sweet type not the sour-sting-your-tongue type. YAY! ((:

and anyways, suddenly i really REALLY wanna go to bangkok.

REALLY.

and it wouldn`t be really expensive anyways right? like maybe $800 plus.

damn. its expensive. ):

i need to set up a go-to-bangkok-to-shop-like-crazy fund. anyone wanna donate? (: teehee.

but really, i wanna go i wanna go i wanna go!!

can someone smuggle me onto the flight? then i can save a couple of hundred on the ticket. heh. (:

eating pineapples and dreaming of bangkok. (:

when the day is over and i lie here weeping,
when the doors are closed and there`s no point screaming
when everthing`s a mess and i can`t do anything,
take my hand Daddy, and tell me it all amounts to nothing

hold me near, and reassure me
tell me Lord, that my future`s not bleak.
tell me, Jesus, that all is not wasted,
that everything will turn out alright

that even if i manage to make every blunder,
even if i can`t make anything better,
even if everything`s so totally wrong
it just wouldn`t matter

you`ll always be here for me,
you`ll never ever leave me
you`ll right all my wrongs,
you`ll help me be strong

everything`s alright,
Jesus when i see you smile at me.

-ding.
(:

all in the past

okay. the way i see it, everything that has happened is all in the past.

we`re all just going to put it behind us, and carry on on our merry way.

just for the record though, i apologise for everything that has happened. my pettiness, my unreasonable-ness, my bitchiness, my insensitivity, just everything laa. i am, truly sorry.

hopefully, this time, things will really turn for the better.

lets just carry on from here.

a quaint little shop just round the corner,
with warm interior and lovely music.
a short walk over, past the entrance,
new items, since the time i came last week.

taking my time, walking along the aisles
some items draw my attention
some i pick up for a quick look, others a little longer,
a little more of it, i learn.

on the shelf beside the counter, something,
something quite different, catches my eye.
not the usual colour, not the usual style,
but something quite special, something i could try.

the colour, a sombre black.
the designs, minimalistic, in stark white.
intricate but subtle details,
details not noticeable on first sight.

taking it down from its place on the shelf,
and looking at it more closely,
the vase appeals to my senses,
not specially from what i see.

not a pretty piece,
not particularly attractive in general.
but it has a hidden appeal,
that just draws me deeper.

just as i decide that i want the vase,
i spot a sticker, just on the inside.
"reserved" it states, in bright bold red.
oh damn, that can`t be right.

the owner comes over to offer her help,
and re-confirms that the vase is not for sale.
she shows me another vase,
this one so different, the colour, quite pale.

delicate, wispy pastel details,
a decorative beauty, no doubt.
as it is, its realy quite lovely,
but not something i can`t do without.

as i step out of the shop,
the bells on the door chime.
but the image of the bold black vase,
stays imprinted in my mind.

i keep thinking of how gorgeous it`ll look,
on the dining table as the centrepiece.
the other vase just will not do,
i need something bold, at the very least.

with that quite perfect vase in mind,
any other vase, i`ll surely compare.
and till i find one that intrigues me as much,
my dining table will remain as it is, bare.

- ding.
no questions pls.

unfair.

):

know how it feels when you`re like "oh my gosh. that is so unfair pls! why does stuff like that not happen to me?"

yeah, well, that`s exactly what i feel right now.

)):

booo.

sometimes it really seems so unfair why others seem to be getting every lovely thing in life. every good thing, every happy thing.

and where`s mine?

why does he/she get everything while i get none? ):

very self pitying i know. boo.

oh wells.

don`t deserve it.

just gotta live with it.

Daddy God, why why why?! ugh! damn annoying la! why can`t i have that? why can`t i be happy too? i also want!! *whine whine whine*
sigh.
***
oh dear Jesus, i thank you that you just reminded me that no matter how undeserving i am, you, my beloved Jesus, You died for me. you died for me and so now, that makes me deserving of every good thing in this life. that no matter how things seem so dark and dreary, you are always there for me. for you will never ever leave me. and things will work out right. cos you love me lord. you love me. and because you love me, there`s no good thing that you will withhold from me since you have already given me the most precious thing ever. i know that i am blessed and favoured. and my life will be a testimony of Your love for me. and thtat means that it will be wonderful. (: thank you for my jesus-tale. (: i love you jesus, deep down in my heart.

emofied

oh boo.

these few days have been shit la.

its starts off okay and ends like fuck.

but the main issue is kinda alright already i think?

i`m sorry that i said the stuff i said. it was uncalled for and even aggravated the situation. i`m sorry.

so why is the situation still so strained?

):

if its my fault, tell me ya? =/

on a side note, my eye still hurts ahh. =/ when i squeeze my eyes shut, it hurts pretty damn alot. =/

and i did not intend to be a mood spoiler really. sigh. sorry la... what was i supposed to do?

):

leave it.

oh god.

things are so much more screwed up now.

i`m serious. leave it as it is. take it that i`m making a huge fuss out of nothing.

i don`t want to talk about it anymore.

i know i`m being a selfish bitch.

but i really don`t want to discuss it anymore.

goodness. i think the biggest mistake was to blog that post.

leave it as it is. its okay the way it is.

oh wow.

i`m making things worse now huh.

boo.


you don`t understand. you don`t get it.

this is how I feel. me.

maybe its all in my head.

maybe i`m hallucinating.


and oh. i blog just cos i want to. i blog for myself. not for you to see/read. don`t need to get all agitated and upset.

yupp. i can be a real bitch.

eee weird.

aiya.

weird huh.

oh boo.

oh wells..

kilabalalookipoo!

hmm.

arghhh!

oh. my. hat.

i`m damn annoyed now ahh!

my maid washed my clothes until the colour from one stained the other one!!

arrgghh!!

damn upsetting pls!!

boohoo.

and its my f21 top that got stained.

):

):

):

oh, woe is me! ):

siao, with shipping costs and everything lehh. bah. and not say i wear many many times alr.. damn siann...

BOO.